I’m struck by the contrast.
I’m going through Dale Carnegie’s classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People again. This morning I was reading Carnegie’s advice regarding arguments. Bottom-line: you can’t win them. If you lose the argument, you lose. If you win the argument, you lose because the other person walks away defeated and isn’t likely to be an ally in the future.
Carnegie’s advice?
- Welcome the disagreement. Thank them for bringing the issue to your attention.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression. Calm down your instinct to be defensive.
- Control your temper. That doesn’t mean that you always need to keep all emotion out of the picture. It’s just control your urge to get angry as that usually backfires.
- Listen first. Let the other person fully get their say before engaging.
- Look for areas of agreement. By doing so, it can take some edge off the tension.
- Be honest. Where mistakes were made, admit them and apologize.
- Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. Then do so.
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Assume they want the best overall outcome.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Time often provides perspective.
Back to the contrast. We have friends getting new windows and floors. The guy representing the company doing the work has been a real challenge, promising things and then not delivering. The wife said to him during a call something to the effect of, “I feel like we’re being scammed.”
His response? This is close to an exact quote: “I think scammed is completely inappropriate. Misled, perhaps, but not scammed!”
Oh, that’s better!
The truth is, it’s difficult to keep our cool when we’re being lured into the inevitable arguments that come our way. It is not our nature, it would seem, to respond according to the Carnegie Way! Dale’s advice may even seem naive in a highly politically charged work environment.
I get that. Yet I have far more regrets when I just wing it when potential arguments come my way. Dale Carnegie’s direction can help put a gap between the stimulus and your response. It takes humility and patience, which is likely to pay off not just in the impending argument, but for the long term as well.
In the project and team arguments that come your way today, I recommend you try to follow the insight from Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People.
By the way, we have an excellent e-learning module that deals head-on with conflict. You’ll get practical insights on how to handle the inevitalbe conflicts that arise on project teams. Learn more about this conflict management e-learning offering today! Click here or on the image to the right to learn more!
P.S. We also offer this learning in a keynote and workshop setting.
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